They

They (2002)



Status:
Second Time Offender

Directed By:
Robert Harmon

Starring:
Laura Regan
Marc Blucas
Ethan Embry
Jon Abrahams
Dagmara Dominczyk

Favorite Character:
Paul

Plot Summary:
It’s a dark and stormy night (MWAHAHAHAHAAAAA!) and there’s a little boy named Billy whose frightened of the thunder and lightning (big baby). He tries, and fails, to convince his mommy to let him sleep with her, but she tells him that there’s nothing to be afraid of and if there is something there that he’ll be safe if he just pulls the covers over his head (yeah, cuz the boogeyman or an axe murder are allergic to blankets…please! way to set your kid up to fail, lady.).

She tucks him in, kisses him goodnight, and he tries to go to sleep, but the storm just won’t let him. He hears a strange noise in his room and as he looks towards his closet we realize there IS something in there.

Beyond terrified Billy screams for his mommy, who does not come to his rescue (way to traumatize your kid), so he proceeds to hyperventilate under his blankets until ages (in kid time) have passed and he pulls down the blanket.

Everything appears to be fine in his room…until he gets pulled off of his bed by some unseen assailant and then drug screaming bloody murder under his bed (he's going to be a well-adjusted adult).

Jump forward x amount of years to psych student Julia. She’s athletic, pretty, and appears to be quite popular by the amount of messages left on her answering machine (it still uses cassette tapes, ha!).

Out on a date that night with her boyfriend Paul she seems to be having a good time and appears to be a well-adjusted individual despite a pointed message from her mother reminding her to take her pills.

After the date is over Julia and Paul head back to his place where they plan on having some “quality” time (yes, I’m alluding to sex), only to be interrupted when her cell phone rings. Despite Paul’s protests Julia answers her phone, claiming that it’s probably her adviser whom she had paged earlier, only to find that it’s her childhood best friend Billy.

He’s having a crisis of some kind and needs to see her. It can’t wait, so she promises to meet him in thirty minutes derailing her boyfriend’s plans for sexual release. She gives him a suggestive kiss (what a fucking tease) and promises to be back soon.

She catches a subway to a diner downtown where Billy is waiting for her. He looks like crap and is visibly disturbed. He starts talking like a crazy person going on and on about how they hide in the dark and how they were marked as kids. He tells her the signs to avoid them and then he tells her he’s sorry as the lights in the diner go out before blowing his brains out (that’s really inconsiderate if you ask me…that blood is not gonna come out of her shirt).

That night, while trying to get some sleep, she suffers from a bout of night terrors and ends up attacking her boyfriend when he tries to help her. It appears that now that Billy has offed himself she’s next (nice friend).

At the funeral a few days later she meets a few of Billy’s friends, Sam and Terry, who also suffered from night terrors when they were children. She’s a little creeped out by it, but she shrugs it off to being a coincidence and goes on her merry little way.

While driving at home in the dark something mysterious races out in front of her car, causing her to swerve. She gets out of the car to check on it (what a dumbass) and can see something off on the side of the road. She tries to leave, but her car isn’t working right and she ends up almost getting creamed by a semi (I know, I’m disappointed too).

She goes to see her boyfriend, thinking he’ll make it all better but he just ends up being extremely mean and unsympathetic to her (boohoo). As a result she gets together with Billy’s friends again and they try to convince her that something hinky is going on (yes, I just used the word hinky…if you don’t like you can suck it!). All they manage to do, however, is convince her that they’re cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

Unsure of what to do about the night terrors she goes to see her child psychiatrist who tells her that stress or undue trauma is probably causing her night terrors to manifest again and offers to treat her again if she thinks it will help.

Across town Sam and Terry are discussing Billy’s suicide and how a person gets to that place. Sam leaves to destressify his life, leaving Terry alone in the loft. She hears a strange noise in the vents and (being a dumbass) looks inside thinking she’s finally caught a rat. She drops the lighter she’s holding, plunging the vent into darkness (plunging…I love that word, it’s such a good word). She notices something large lodged further back in the event and struggles to re-light the lighter as the thing moves closer to her. Just as it’s about to get her the lighter flares to life and the creepy figure disappears.

Julia, unable to let things go, digs her old therapy tapes out of storage and watches them for clarity…entertainment…or maybe just to reminisce. What she sees frightens her and clearly makes her less uncertain about her situation. She tries to get some school work done, but gives up in favor of taking a nap.

Terry is now at the swimming pool (clearly this movie jumps around a lot), she’s alone in the swimming pool getting some exercise. As she’s doing her laps in the pool the lights start to go out (oooh, spooky) and she starts to freak out (wussy). Strange noises alert her to the sad fact that she is not alone and she hauls ass to get out of the pool. She makes it into a darkened locker room only to be attacked by two ambiguous looking thingamajigs.

Jump back to Julia. She’s slept the whole night away (oh no…no, no no). She didn’t get her work done and she’s got a meeting with some bigwig shrinks. She totally bombs the meeting and ends up going home and taking a bath. While she’s in the tub the phone rings and the machine picks up…it’s Paul. He leaves her a message, blah blah blah, and promises to call back until she picks up. She ignores it and goes back to her bath only to have the phone ring again seconds later causing her to get out of the bath to answer it – only this time it’s not Paul, it’s Sam, and he needs to talk (DUN DUN DUN).

She arrives at Sam’s loft (which is kind of a shit hole, an arty shit hole, but a shit hole nonetheless). He informs her that Terry is missing and that all of her stuff was found in the locker rooms. He’s clearly losing it…just like Billy did…and he reads passages from Billy’s diary to her in an effort to convince her of what’s going on. She refuses to believe anything hinky is going on so Sam shows her his mark.

Julia goes to see her psychiatrist and explains Billy’s theory to him. He clearly things she’s crazy and he suggests she diagnose herself and then praises her abilities before dismissing her. Before she can leave he asks her where her mark is which prompts her to invite Paul over to check her over. He convinces her there’s nothing to worry about and they do the dirty deed (she gonna die, she broke a rule and now she gonna die).

Jump back to Sam in his arty shit hole. He’s working on some paintings when all of a sudden the sprinklers go off and the lights start going on. Poor Sammy knows what’s coming for him and he’s powerless to stop it as he’s dragged down the elevator shaft never to be seen again (:::tears up:::).

Jump back to Julia…whoa, Julia is nekkid and Paul’s roommate has just walked in on them. Embarrassed she leaves and heads home where she’s attacked by something in her closet. She flees from her apartment and ends up finding the mark under her hair. She pulls something icky looking out of it and then races back to Paul’s.

It’s clear that she’s losing her fucking mind…or is she…so Paul drugs her and she fuh-lips out. Now she’s in a race against time to save herself…and she’s running short on time.

Favorite Quote(s):
Terry: What do you think went through Billy's mind when he did it.
Sam: A bullet.

Favorite Scene:
The beginning of the movie with young Billy.

Review:
I’ve seen this movie 4 or 5 times now and I still don’t know if I like it or not. It’s got all of the elements of a horror film, but somehow they never quite come together in a way that’s terrifying or satisfying. Don’t let the Wes Craven presents fool you…this is not Craven quality by any means (which, in some cases is a good thing, and others a bad thing…this is one of those bad things).

The direction/editing are probably the movies biggest downfall. Although the acting isn’t all that great either. The film jumps around a lot, if you couldn’t tell that from the summary, and while it’s not hard to follow, it does disrupt the flow of the film. Add in the absence of character development and the fact that the main character isn’t all that sympathetic and there’s not much left to save this movie.

The monsters aren’t all that terrifying, the effects used to create them are subpar, and the entire premise is never fully realized in the film. If they had just focused on Julia’s character the film might have been a lot better than it was.

Honestly, the only way I would recommend this film is if you’re a fan of Marc Blucas or Ethan Embry…or if it’s a choice between watching this or Jersey Shore.

Interesting Fact:
When Julia looks through documents from her case as a child, we see the letterhead of State Mental Health Association in Center City, WA 20158. All ZIP codes in Washington state begin with 98- or 99-. The ZIP code listed would be in Virginia.

Rating:


Trailer:

When a Stranger Calls

When A Stranger Calls (1979)



Status:
Repeat Offender

Directed By:
Fred Walton

Starring:
Carol Kane
Charles Durning
Tony Beckley
Colleen Dewhurst
Carmen Argenziano

Favorite Character:
Jill Johnson

Plot Summary:
Dr. Mandrakis and his wife are headed out for the night for dinner and a movie and they’ve hired Jill Johnson as their babysitter for the evening.

At first glance Jill appears to be your average, teenage girl. She hangs out downstairs doing her homework and talking on the phone to her friend about boys while the children are upstairs sleeping.

After getting off of the phone with her friend she receives a series of phone calls from a mysterious man who repeatedly keeps asking her if she’s checked the children (which she hasn’t cuz she’s a really shitty babysitter…just sayin’).

Terrified by the phone calls she eventually calls the police who inform her there isn’t anything they can do about the phone calls unless the caller is threatening her or using obscene language (typical – talk about art imitating life). Instead the officer suggests she whistle loudly the next time he calls to deter him from calling again (cuz that’s helpful information right there).

A frustrated Jill gets off the phone with the police and the mysterious caller phones again which prompts Jill to call the police again. The officer tells her that they can try and have the call traced but in order to do that she needs to keep him on the line for at least a minute – which she does.

He ends up freaking her out even more before hanging up on her. The phone rings almost immediately and she picks up the phone and starts screaming that he leave her alone when she’s interrupted by the cop. THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE…OH MY GOD!!! RUN, BITCH, RUN!!!!!!!!!!

She attempts to flee the house, hampered by that damn security chain, and when she finally gets the door open there’s a cop standing there which causes her to let out a blood curdling scream (seriously, bitch…you know the bad guy is upstairs…why the fuck are you screaming?!?!)

The cops apprehend the bad guy, one Curt Duncan, and he is committed to the loony bin until he escapes 7 years later.

Clifford, the cop from the beginning, is now an investigator and he’s hired by Dr. Mandrakis to hunt down the escaped Duncan and get him the justice he was denied when the courts found Duncan insane and had him committed.

A cat-and-mouse game ensues with Clifford nearly catching Duncan a few times (yawn) before he escapes again in downtown Los Angeles.

Unfortunately for Jill, but fortunately for us (thank God it gets interesting again) she still lives in LA and due to her picture being posted in the paper Duncan finds her again. This time she’s married with two kids and while she’s out on a date with her husband and her kids are at home with a babysitter (you have to admit that’s funny) she gets a call from Duncan which causes her to fuh-lip out.

She and her husband, and a couple of cops, race back to the house which leads up to the terrifying conclusion that’s just as tense and heart-racing as the beginning.

Favorite Quote(s):
Jill Johnson: You really scared me, if that's what you wanted. Is that what you wanted?
Curt Duncan: No.
Jill Johnson: What do you want?
Curt Duncan: Your blood all over me.

Favorite Scene:
When the police phone back to tell Jill where the call is coming from.

Review:
A truly terrifying take on the old “The Babysitter and the Man Upstairs” urban legend. I watched this movie when I was 12 and the first 20 minutes (and last 20 minutes or so) scared the living bejesus out of me. I didn’t want to babysit for months after seeing it.

With that being said, I feel I need to be brutally honest - most of the film is boring as hell. It suffers from bad editing, over-acting, and Carol Kane’s character is only in the first, and last, sections of the film which is truly disappointing in my opinion. Despite all of that, I still really like this movie.

I do think that the three main parts were well cast. Carol Kane is an amazing actress and she has a very vulnerable look to her. She can also do frightened extremely well.

Tony Beckley’s portrayal of Curt Duncan was truly frightening. He managed to be sinister, creepy, and seriously off-putting with his facial expressions alone.

And Charles Durning, well, he might only be capable of the one facial expression, but he is definitely convincing as a grizzled ex-cop turned investigator hell bent on tracking Duncan’s character down and making him pay for what he did.

All-in-all it is worth seeing. Especially if you’re in the mood for a good scare!

Interesting Fact:
Based on the year the film took place, 1 minute would not be nearly long enough to trace Curt's call. Back when the movie was set, it would've taken 10-20 minutes for several switchboards and circuits to locate the origin of the call.

Rating:


Trailer:

Joy Ride

Joy Ride (2001)



Status:
Repeat Offender

Directed By:
John Dahl

Starring:
Paul Walker
Steve Zahn
Leelee Sobieski
Jim Beaver
Ted Levine

Favorite Character:
Fuller

Plot Summary:
It’s an age old story. Boy (Lewis) has hots for girl (Venna (I would hate my parents if that was my name)), finds out girl has broken up with boyfriend, trades in his plane ticket for a car so he can drive across the country with her, and gets detoured to bail his repeat offender brother (Fuller) out of jail (cuz every family has to have a black sheep).

After bailing said brother out of jail, Lewis is back on the road with Fuller in tow, and headed for Colorado and Venna. After some small talk causes Lewis to have a small tantrum the stop at a truck stop and while Lewis is on the phone updating Venna on their status Fuller takes it upon himself to have a CB radio installed (that is a damn thoughtful brother if I do say so myself).

Back on the road Fuller shows Lewis how road trips are done CB style. Lewis is easily amused (but then again, who isn’t on a road trip?) by his brothers antics, although he’s not as amused by his handle – Mama’s Boy.

A trucker (Rusty Nail) with a very distinct voice and some strange ramblings catches Fuller’s attention who talks Lewis into pretending he’s a girl so they can fuck with the guy. Lewis reluctantly agrees (he apparently has a modicum of common sense), and they tempt Rusty Nail with “Candy Cane” – a 5’10”, dirty blond, blue eyed, soft skinned woman. After engaging in the beginnings of some awkward CB radio sex they lose the signal and continue on their way having a good laugh.

That night they arrive at a cheap, seedy motel and while Fuller is checking them in Rusty Nail appears on their CB again. Lewis doesn’t want to reply to him, but Fuller, having had a run in with a jerk in the motel office, wants to take the prank to the next level and convinces Lewis (who apparently has a problem caving to peer pressure – pussy!) to ask Rusty Nail to meet “her” at the hotel in room 17 – the room that the asshole Fuller had a run in with is staying in – and to bring some pink champagne.

Rusty Nail shows up later that night and what started out as a cruel prank turns into the brothers’ worst nightmare when they’re informed the next morning that the occupant of room 17 was severely beaten and is lying a coma in the hospital.

The brothers are informed to vacate the state of Wyoming immediately and they are all too happy to be on their way. Unfortunately Rusty Nail has figured out who Black Sheep and Candy Cane are and he demands an apology, which Fuller refuses to give (Fuller is obviously not the intelligent sort) and after a terrifying run in with the trucker they apologize and he apparently leaves. (Fun fact – the gas station that they stop at, after they pull off the highway in this scene, I have been to…and it’s just as creepy as it looks in the film.)

Back on the road, and Rusty Nail free (kind of sounds like a drink you’d get a bad hangover from), they make it to Colorado where Venna is eagerly awaiting their arrival. In no time they are on their way again and after stopping at a bar in Nebraska they check into a hotel for the night.

Lewis is passed out drunk on the bed (lightweight) while Fuller is over in Venna’s room (trying to seduce the girl his brother is into – douchebag) when the phone rings and awakens Lewis.

Guess who’s baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack?!?!?!

If you guessed Randy Quaid’s character from Independence Day…you’re totally fucking wrong. Why are you even reading this blog?

If you guessed Rusty Nail, however, you get a glass of pink champagne!

Lewis flees the room (yes, flees, like a big fat sissy la-la) and gets Fuller and Venna and they leave the hotel and get back on the road in a desperate attempt to rid themselves of Rusty Nail.

Unfortunately, he’s like a bad case of herpes and keeps coming back. He’s also holding Venna’s friend hostage and is going to kill her if they don’t acquiesce to his demands, so he shows the boys what it’s like to be the brunt of a joke – which is quite hilarious I might add – before kidnapping Venna.

Now it’s Rusty Nail vs. the brothers and he’s got something truly horrific planned for them. When all is said done who will be left standing?!?! OH MY GOD THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME!!!

Favorite Quote(s):
Local in Nebraska Bar: [to Lewis while Fuller watches] Did you hear what I said? Look me in the face. You better shut your bitch…up.
Fuller: [shouting] Bitch, shut up! Are you mouthin’ off again? God!

Favorite Scene:
When the boys have to enter the truck stop diner naked and order 12 cheeseburgers and the waitress's response.

Review:
Joy Ride is a great movie. It’s the right mix of suspense and comedy without being silly. It has some truly suspenseful moments that have you on the edge of your seat and it manages to be scary without any gore, a notion which most movies from the last decade don’t seem to grasp. Gore does not equal scary…it equals gross. And I’m not bashing gore…I’ve said it before and I’m saying it again, I’m all for gore if the story warrants it, but not all stories do, and a movie can be frightening and good without a single evisceration, decapitation, or…my least favorite…enucleation.

The direction is superb. Dahl manages to take you on a pulse pounding ride all the way to the end – something a lot of horror films fail at miserably.

The casting is also pretty great, minus Leelee Sobieski – she just manages to seem bored through the entire flick. Steve Zahn and Paul Walker are very believable as brothers and Fuller was seriously the best thing about this movie.

If you haven’t seen it I would definitely recommend this go on your “to watch” list immediately. I would even go so far as to say bump it up to the top of that list if you want a horror movie that’s fun and suspenseful.

Interesting Fact:
The film was renamed 'Road Kill' in the UK, since taking a 'Joy Ride' is not the pleasant journey it is in the states, rather the name for when youths steal cars and race each other or the cops and eventually total and dump the car.

Rating:


Trailer:

The Faculty

The Faculty (1998)



Status:
Repeat Offender

Directed By:
Robert Rodriguez

Starring:
Elijah Wood
Josh Hartnett
Jordana Brewster
Clea Duvall
Shawn Hatosy
Laura Harris

Favorite Character:
Coach Willis

Plot Summary:
High school is hell. I don't care who you are, where you're from, or what social clique you belong(ed) to. High school is four years of state mandated hell. That's even more true for the student body at Herrington High School.

The faculty at Herrington High, at first glance, is just as disaffected as their students (surprise, surprise). They live in a football town where the football team reigns supreme and gets all of the school funding, of which there is not a lot.

It's obvious they hate their jobs, they hate each other, and they hate the students (yay for public education!). That is, of course, until an unknown menace comes to the school and starts taking over the faculty one by one unbeknownst to the student body and the rest of the town.

Casey (the nerd), Stokely (the outcast), Stan (the jock), Zeke (the bad boy), Delilah (the queen bitch), and Marybeth (the new girl) all run in different social circles for the most part. They have nothing in common with each other (does anyone in high school?), but are forced to band together when they all start to notice that things ain't right at Herrington High.

Stan is accosted in the shower by one of his ancient teachers (SEXY TIME FOR STAN!!!), which Casey is a witness to (poor Casey didn't get any action...nobody the loves the nerd). Then Casey and Delilah, while poking around in the faculty lounge, find said teacher's body. And then the group as a whole is attacked by the science teacher, confirming their suspicions. The faculty, and now a majority of the student body, are playing host to an alien parasite that's here for our water.

They band together to take their school back by any means necessary...even if it means taking some of the faculty out along the way (and who hasn't wanted to take out a teacher or two?).

Favorite Quote(s):
Stan: What the hell is wrong with him?
Zeke: Nothing's wrong with him. He's tweaking, you asshole! Let him fucking tweak!
Casey: Tweak! Tweak!

Favorite Scene:
When Coach Willis talks to Casey on the football field.

Review:
Sci-fi/horror flicks are a dime a dozen, and because of the conflicting codes of the genres, they usually fall short on one side or the other. Williamson, the writer responsible for the Scream flicks, Cursed, and I Know What You Did Last Summer, knows just enough to keep that precarious balance from tipping too much to either side, but not enough to make this as successful a flick as Event Horizon, Alien, or The Thing.

Despite that, it's still a decent horror effort, and Robert Rodriguez's direction keeps it from being as ridiculous as it could have been. It's well cast - especially Robert Patrick's role as the high school's football coach, well directed, and the story is pretty solid, even if it has been done before. The biggest issue I had with it was that it felt particularly tame for an R-rated flick. I could be desensitized though considering I've seen hundreds of horror films.

If you liked Scream, I Know What You Did Last Summer, The Craft, Disturbing Behavior, and the other 90's teen horror flicks you'll like this one. If not, then you wouldn't be missing anything if you skipped this one.

Interesting Fact:
At one point, the principal suggests saving money by reusing the set from "Our Town". The joke in this is that Thornton Wilder's "Our Town" has no set.

Rating:


Trailer:

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)



Status:
Second Time Offender

Directed By:
Marcus Nispel

Starring:
Jessica Biel
Eric Balfour
Jonathan Tucker
Mike Vogel
R. Lee Ermey
Andrew Bryniarski

Favorite Character:
Leatherface

Plot Summary:
A group of friends driving through Texas on their way to a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert pick up a disturbed hitchhiker walking along the road (because that's always a good idea). The girl has obviously been traumatized and they decide to get her help. Before they can get too far though the girl freaks out and starts screaming that they're going the wrong way and that they're all going to die before pulling a gun out of her hooha (yes, you read that right) and blows her brains out their back window (AWESOME!!!).

Everyone is thoroughly traumatized by the event (pussies...) and argue over what to do. They decide to go to the police and stop at a gas station where they're directed to go the mill and meet the sheriff (apparently that's standard operating procedure in the backwoods of Texas).

They head there, only to find a bizarre little boy with really bad teeth. He tells them that the sheriff ain't there, that he's at his house getting drunk and directs them to a house in the middle of nowhere (I don't know about the rest of you, but at this point I think I'd say fuck it, dump the dead body, and get the fuck out of Dodge).

Erin and her boyfriend Kemper head to the house to collect the sheriff while Andy, Pepper, and Morgan stay behind with the body. Erin and Kemper arrive at the house at short time later where they meet an old man whose legs have been cut off. He allows Erin into the house to phone the sheriff and then distracts her we can meet Leatherface (YAY!).

Leatherface dispatches Kemper from this world in a spectacularly brutal fashion and then carries him downstairs to his basement of horrors where he starts prepping his body for whatever nefarious plans he has in store.

Erin, thinking Kemper has gone back to the others, leaves the house and returns to the group only to find that the sheriff (who can easily be described as one twisted ass son-of-a-bitch) has already visited them and taken the dead girl off of their hands. She asks where Kemper is only to learn that he has not returned to the group as she previously thought and some truly bizarre happenings Morgan and Pepper remain with the van while Erin and Andy go back to the house to find Kemper (can you say fucking morons? cuz that's what they are).

Erin distracts the amputee from before while Andy sneaks into the house to try and locate Kemper, but all he manages to do is knock shit over (that's stealth there people) which leads to Erin and Andy meeting a chainsaw wielding Leatherface.

Erin and Andy flee the house, but only Erin makes it to safety. Andy gets chased through the clean laundry hanging out on the line and ends up getting his leg chopped off by the chainsaw before ending up on a meat hook down in Leatherface's dungeon.

The remaining protagonists are now pitted against Leatherface and his kin and only one will be lucky enough to survive the ensuing slaughter, but which unlucky bastard will it be (cuz none of them are virgins - so it's anyone's game)?

Favorite Quote(s):
Andy: Well I guess that's what brains look like... Sort of like... Lasagna... Kind of... Okay, I'll shut up now.

Favorite Scene:
Hitchhiker suicide tied with Sheriff Hoyt meets police crusier. I know, I have issues...I'm pretty sure we've established that already.

Review:
I am a huge fan of the original. It is a horror classic. There was absolutely no reason to remake it. The only time a remake is necessary is when the movie was a total flop. The original wasn't, ergo this remake was hugely unnecessary.

With that being said it is a solid horror effort. It's polished, it's well cast, the family is larger than in the original, but they're just as fucked up, and the director attempted to make it his own while still building upon the mythos that Tobe Hooper created with the original.

It's also gory, satisfyingly scary, and there are some truly genius and well done scenes throughout the film. None of that, however, can overcome the fact that this is a paint by the numbers slasher flick that was unnecessarily made. I certainly don't hate, but I don't love it either. I stand by the fact that the original is a classic and this remake was done not to fix something unforgivable, but to make more money and reboot a franchise that should have just been left alone.

By all means, watch it and decide for yourself, but make sure you've seen the original first. There really is no comparison...

Interesting Fact:
Erica Leerhsen screamed so loudly during her screen test that people in other parts of the building called the police to report that a woman was being attacked.

Rating:


Trailer:

The Last House on the Left

The Last House on the Left (2009)



Status:
Second Time Offender

Directed By:
Dennis Iliadis

Starring:
Tony Goldwyn
Monica Potter
Sara Paxton
Garret Dillahunt
Spencer Treat Clark

Favorite Character:
Justin

Plot Summary:
Two cops, transporting a criminal in the back of their cop car, are driving along a deserted country road telling dirty jokes to each other. The criminal in the back of the car asks if they can stop so he can piss which, of course, they refuse to.

A short time later they happen upon a railroad crossing where they have to stop due to the fact there's a train (although I'd have liked to seen them chance it, but that's just me). One of the cops notices Krug, the criminal, has his eyes closed and appears to be praying. He cracks a joke and moments later the car is slammed into by a truck incapacitating both of the cops.

Inside the truck are Krug's brother Francis and his she-bitch Sadie. Sadie shoots the cop that was driving in the head after he moans and then climbs into the back of the car onto Krug (like a dog in heat) and proceeds to free him. Krug then gets out of the car and kills the other cop in a rather cruel fashion before the screen cuts to a girl swimming in a pool.

It's here we meet Mari Collingwood, her mother Emma, and her father John. On the surface they seem like the idyllic nuclear family (don't they all?), when in reality they aren't as perfect as they appear to be (boohoo!).

It appears to be time for their annual family vacation and the three set off for some unknown middle-of-nowhere lake house where they plan to spend the next few weeks enjoying their summer. Little do they know this is one vacation they should have skipped.

Upon arriving at their lake house Mari goes for a swim in the lake while her parents settle in and then she cons them out of the car which she uses to take into town to visit her friend Paige. Paige works at the town's general store and she and Mari proceed to hang out there where we learn that Mari and her parents had suffered the loss of her older brother Ben a year before the events of our story take place.

This is also where they meet Justin, a creepy, awkward teenager who is buying junk food and is apparently in the market for some cigarettes. Not wanting to offer up ID he suggests a trade. Paige sells him cigarettes sans ID in exchange for some primo weed, which Paige is all too happy to accept.

They head back to his hotel where Paige promises to "just be five minutes" before returning with the weed. Several minutes pass and Paige doesn't return so Mari goes to see what the hold up is. She finds them already smoking a joint and reluctantly joins in.

Their party is cut short, however, by the return of the room's other occupants - Krug, Sadie, and Francis. Justin is Krug's offspring and Mari and Paige are officially screwed (no pun intended). What started out as an easy way to score some weed has now turned into a life and death hostage situation (if only they'd listened to their parents about stranger danger).

Krug, Justin, and the others set off in Mari's car intent on heading out of town but Mari derails that plan when she tries to escape and causes Krug to crash the car (thank God for airbags...).

What happens next is beyond difficult to watch and could accurately be described as the most horrifying thing you will ever have to sit through - in any film, not just this one. It also sets the tone for the rest of the film which you find yourself inescapably committed to seeing.

Remember, what doesn't kill you only makes you temporarily homicidal...

Favorite Quote(s):
Morton: Praying now?
Krug: Oh Lord! Won't you grant me an empty mayonnaise jar to piss in.
Morton: You know, Krug, considering the rather notorious nature of the prison you're headed to, I think I'd pray for something a little more substantial.

Favorite Scene:
The last scene Krug is in. I know...I have issues.

Review:
Does it make me a bad/twisted/morally depraved person to say that I liked this film? Because I did, but not because of the content. As revenge films go it's nothing new and the only real difference between the remake and the original is that the daughter survives - which may, or may not, be a blessing.

The film is intense, the bad guys are oh so bad, the good guys are oh so wholesome, and watching the lines get blurred between what you know is right and what you have to do to protect yourself and those you love is a train wreck - in the sense that you can't look away despite the fact you know what's about to happen.

The roles were well cast, especially that of Tony Goldwyn's, and the story and direction were well paced and solid.

A lot of the complaints I've heard peg this as being boring, but I disagree. It is a slower paced movie, but it doesn't lag so much that it loses your interest.

Having seen the remake I do feel comfortable enough to say that it's a more solid horror effort. The first one was made on a very small budget and while the acting was good and it was just as difficult to watch as the remake, it did lack some polish and it had some fairly gaping plot holes.

And if you're sitting here, reading this, saying she's full of shit I would hope that you've seen both films. If you have, I'd love to know why you disagree with me, and if you haven't, shut the fuck up - go watch the movies - and then talk to me about it.

I'd also like to mention that the film score is amazing! But, then again, I am partial to John Murphy.

Interesting Fact:
According to Sara Paxton, in an interview, the rape sequence took 17 hours to film.

Rating:


Trailer:

Friday the 13th

Friday the 13th (2009)



Status:
Second Time Offender

Directed By:
Marcus Nispel

Starring:
Jared Padalecki
Danielle Panabaker
Travis Van Winkle
Amanda Righetti
Derek Mears

Favorite Character:
Chewie

Plot Summary:
A group of friends on a camping trip set up their campsite next to some abandoned cabins (clearly they're all idiots). One of the group, Wade, informs them of their proximity to said abandoned cabins and then tells them the story about the Camp Crystal Lake murders and Jason's mother and the group discusses the validity of the stories and likens it to an urban legend (and the boogeyman isn't real...).

The group disbands - Wade goes off in search of a marijuana field, Richie and his girlfriend Amanda have sex, and Whitney and her boyfriend Mike go investigate the abandoned cabins (that was clearly a well thought out decision).

Wade, having just found his pot mecca, has about sixty seconds of stoner joy before he and Jason get up close and personal. Amanda, having sent Richie off to kick Wade's ass because she insists he's watching them, gets intimate with Jason next. Her death is a lot more creative and we're treated to a bimbo trussed up in a sleeping bag roasting over an open campfire while Richie stumbles upon Wade's dead body.

Whitney and Mike are still exploring the creepy ass abandoned cabins and they stumble upon mummified human head in a wall in one of the camp bathroom's and it's here that Mike meets his maker courtesy of Jason.

Whitney takes off (first smart thing she's done since this movie started) and runs back to the camp where Richie has been caught in a bear trap and Amanda is pretty much toast (or would that be roast?). Whitney tries to free Richie from the bear trap, but before she can Jason embeds his machete into Richie's head and Whitney's fate is left hanging in the balance...and all of that happens before the title screen (I was really agitated by this, I must admit. I got all excited because I thought the movie was over, but it wasn't, it was just teasing us.)

Next we meet a new group of friends (who wants to bet $5 bucks they make it through the film unharmed? I'd be happy to take your money) who are going to spend the weekend together at Trent's (this guy is such a douchebag he might actually be a douchelord) family's lake cabin.

While stopped at the little country gas station to stock up on snacks and get some gas Trent and his girlfriend Jenna happen upon Clay who is handing out fliers featuring Whitney who turns out to be his sister.

Trent (it's even kind of a douchey name, just sayin') in a spectacular display of how big of a douchelord he is points out that Clay is holding up the line for paying customers which leads to an awkward exchange between the two.

No punches are thrown, sadly, and Clay and Trent and his buddies go their separate ways. Clay continues to ride around on his bike from place to place in an attempt to find someone who might know where his sister is and Trent and the gang head up to his cabin.

Upon arrival the drunken escapades begin (which are quite enjoyable), Trent tries, not so subtly or skillfully, to get into Jenna's pants, Nolan and Chelsea head down to the lake to take the boat out for a spin, and Clay ends up at Trent's house by chance.

More awkwardness ensues when Trent yells at Jenna for inviting Clay in so Jenna and Clay take off and the movie finally starts to pick up (Praise JEEBUS! Hallelujer!). People die, people get drunk, people get stoned, and people get fucked - some in more ways than one ;) - all leading up to our oh-so-predictable conclusion (and that's not a total dis - most horror movies have predictable conclusions nowadays).

Favorite Quote(s):
Lawrence: [talking about Bree] Just go over there and fucking talk to her.
Chewie: Are you kidding? I have a better shot at fucking a penguin than that girl.
&
Chewie: [after breaking Trent's chair] They don't call me the "wood wizard" because I masturbate a lot.
&
Chewie: [grabs a hockey stick] Hey. Now, this is a real man's sport. You're even curved to the left, like my penis.
&
Chewie: [hands over hockey stick to Jason] Uh, are you looking for this? Because it, uh, it completes your outfit.

I really tried to pick just one, I really, truly did, but I couldn't.

Favorite Scene:
Any scene with Chewie in it...he's seriously the best thing in this movie.

Review:
In all honesty I never intended to see this remake after seeing the travesty that is Rob Zombie's Halloween. I was so pissed off and anti-remake after that that I had no desire to see another one - especially when it was that of a beloved classic. So how Katie and I ended up at the theater on opening night, I'm still not sure, other than maybe because we were bored and it was a Friday the 13th that they were premiering the movie. Damn gimmicks will get you every time...

I didn't go in expecting much, so I wasn't all that disappointed with what I saw, meaning that it wasn't as horrible as I expected it to be, but it didn't blow me away either. The casting was decent with fairly solid performances by everyone, which was more than I can say Zombie's Halloween had going for it. Nor did it suffer from bad dialogue or a cheesy story.

In my opinion, the only downfall the story really had was having the two groups. The first group takes up the first 20-25 minutes of a 97 minute film which is usually the time we would spend getting to know the main cast. Having to go through that twice (especially with two decent sized groups) detracts from the focus of the story and it makes the rest of the film feel rushed.

Despite that, there are two things about this movie I absolutely loved - Chewie (if you hadn't already figured that out) and the portrayal of Jason. It's about fucking time that Jason actually chased someone down instead of slowly stalking after them. I was beyond excited to see him actually full on chase a victim down - it is long overdue!

As remakes go it isn't anything new and it doesn't improve on the original, but it is a solid horror film and a decent enough effort to watch...especially if you've always wanted to see Jason chase someone down.

Interesting Fact:
Including this remake, Jason has killed 167 total people throughout the "Friday the 13th" series.

Rating:


Trailer: