Sunday, August 7, 2011

The Church

The Church (1989)

First Time Offender

Directed By:
Michele Soavi

Hugh Quarshie
Tomas Arana
Asia Argento
Barbara Cupisti
Feodor Chaliapin, Jr.

Favorite Character:
Father Gus

Plot Summary:
Someone cue the coconuts...we've got KNIGHTS! And not just any knights, but Teutonic Knights at that. They're on a mission (Dun-Dun, Dun-Da, Dun-Dun, Dun-Da, Dun-Dun, Dun-Da, Dun-Dun, Dun-Da) to destroy...WITCHES! Woohooooooo, down with the She-Devils!!! Give 'em a chop chop here and a chop chop there, here a whack, there a whack, everywhere a whack whack...mwahahahahahaaaaa! And then, once they're all dead, or mostly dead, bury them, throw a cross on top and build a church on their rotting corpses. Flash forward a few centuries and we've got ourselves a movie people! Aren't you excited?!?! I know I am!!!

The church, now centuries old, is in disrepair. Restorations efforts are underway and it's here we meet the librarian Evan, the art restorer/conservator Lisa, and the slutty sacristan's teenage daughter Lotte. Over the next several days Evan and Lisa dig into the church's past and why no bishop or king has ever been buried there and come to the conclusion something very valuable is hidden inside the church. Frickin' idiots.

After finding a seven-eyed stone, and removing it, Evan unleashes the trapped souls waiting to escape and sets into motion some very bad things. Possessions, hallucinations, mutilations, and all kinds of other bad juju starts to go down and we can only gleefully, I mean fearfully, watch as those trapped inside the church meet their fates.

Favorite Quote(s):

Favorite Scene:
The massacre by the knights at the beginning. Although, I really love the subway scene as well...

Having never heard of this movie before, I'm ashamed to admit that, I was really excited to watch it. I'm a huge international horror fan, especially of Italian and French horror cinema, and I couldn't wait to watch this. The movie itself is very visually stunning. There are several scenes that are so unexpected and so well done that they make up for the slower pacing of the film. My main two complaints are the terrible dub job, only a few of the actors voices weren't dubbed over, and the questionable music selection (a strange fusion of organ music, 80's Brit pop, and electronica) - I'm not saying I hate's just an odd selection for this particular film.

If you enjoy Italian horror cinema, classic 80s horror, or are a fan of Dario Argento I would definitely recommend this film to add to your watch list. The gore is minimal, the makeup and effects are well done, and the ending isn't your typical "happy - all is right with the world" horror ending.

Interesting Fact:

The image of the biker's naked girlfriend hugging a winged snake-man is taken directly from a famous Boris Vallejo painting called Vampire's Kiss.



1 comment:

  1. Interesting very interesting. Hey in Salinas (actually closer to Castroville) We would hit up a church there once in a while and guess what... there was a Gus there too... Eerie maybe, I'll let you decide