The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)
Second Time Offender
R. Lee Ermey
A group of friends driving through Texas on their way to a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert pick up a disturbed hitchhiker walking along the road (because that's always a good idea). The girl has obviously been traumatized and they decide to get her help. Before they can get too far though the girl freaks out and starts screaming that they're going the wrong way and that they're all going to die before pulling a gun out of her hooha (yes, you read that right) and blows her brains out their back window (AWESOME!!!).
Everyone is thoroughly traumatized by the event (pussies...) and argue over what to do. They decide to go to the police and stop at a gas station where they're directed to go the mill and meet the sheriff (apparently that's standard operating procedure in the backwoods of Texas).
They head there, only to find a bizarre little boy with really bad teeth. He tells them that the sheriff ain't there, that he's at his house getting drunk and directs them to a house in the middle of nowhere (I don't know about the rest of you, but at this point I think I'd say fuck it, dump the dead body, and get the fuck out of Dodge).
Erin and her boyfriend Kemper head to the house to collect the sheriff while Andy, Pepper, and Morgan stay behind with the body. Erin and Kemper arrive at the house at short time later where they meet an old man whose legs have been cut off. He allows Erin into the house to phone the sheriff and then distracts her we can meet Leatherface (YAY!).
Leatherface dispatches Kemper from this world in a spectacularly brutal fashion and then carries him downstairs to his basement of horrors where he starts prepping his body for whatever nefarious plans he has in store.
Erin, thinking Kemper has gone back to the others, leaves the house and returns to the group only to find that the sheriff (who can easily be described as one twisted ass son-of-a-bitch) has already visited them and taken the dead girl off of their hands. She asks where Kemper is only to learn that he has not returned to the group as she previously thought and some truly bizarre happenings Morgan and Pepper remain with the van while Erin and Andy go back to the house to find Kemper (can you say fucking morons? cuz that's what they are).
Erin distracts the amputee from before while Andy sneaks into the house to try and locate Kemper, but all he manages to do is knock shit over (that's stealth there people) which leads to Erin and Andy meeting a chainsaw wielding Leatherface.
Erin and Andy flee the house, but only Erin makes it to safety. Andy gets chased through the clean laundry hanging out on the line and ends up getting his leg chopped off by the chainsaw before ending up on a meat hook down in Leatherface's dungeon.
The remaining protagonists are now pitted against Leatherface and his kin and only one will be lucky enough to survive the ensuing slaughter, but which unlucky bastard will it be (cuz none of them are virgins - so it's anyone's game)?
Andy: Well I guess that's what brains look like... Sort of like... Lasagna... Kind of... Okay, I'll shut up now.
Hitchhiker suicide tied with Sheriff Hoyt meets police crusier. I know, I have issues...I'm pretty sure we've established that already.
I am a huge fan of the original. It is a horror classic. There was absolutely no reason to remake it. The only time a remake is necessary is when the movie was a total flop. The original wasn't, ergo this remake was hugely unnecessary.
With that being said it is a solid horror effort. It's polished, it's well cast, the family is larger than in the original, but they're just as fucked up, and the director attempted to make it his own while still building upon the mythos that Tobe Hooper created with the original.
It's also gory, satisfyingly scary, and there are some truly genius and well done scenes throughout the film. None of that, however, can overcome the fact that this is a paint by the numbers slasher flick that was unnecessarily made. I certainly don't hate, but I don't love it either. I stand by the fact that the original is a classic and this remake was done not to fix something unforgivable, but to make more money and reboot a franchise that should have just been left alone.
By all means, watch it and decide for yourself, but make sure you've seen the original first. There really is no comparison...
Erica Leerhsen screamed so loudly during her screen test that people in other parts of the building called the police to report that a woman was being attacked.